Thingy

“Pssss… come over here!” a voice came out of bushes.

“Stand where you are no matter whoever you are!” Ivan almost jumped up from surprise, having somehow inexplicably managed to rotate him in the jump for two hundred sixty-seven and a half degrees in a direction to a source of potential danger.

“And what should the flying ones do – stop right where they are flying?” a reasonable question came out of bushes once again.

“Whoever is here, show yourself!” the hero, for many yet unknown, and for us already named, continued making his proposition.

“Hey, stop being afraid of me already!” someone hiding in bushes soothingly noticed. “Look, you’ve stopped on your way, but is that's a big deal? You have been wandering through this local forest aimlessly nevertheless. And here you’ve got a nice chance to chit-chat with somebody heart-to-heart… with me, for instance.”

“And where might you be, I wonder?” the brave one, who has already recovered from a first shock, wasn’t appeased in the curiosity. “You may turn out to be a terrible and horrific monster, trapping lonely travelers on their way to people, you know?”

“Oh, pardon me, what’s the point for me to be nasty!” a sniff came somewhere sideways this time. “Who will covet us in this case? Besides, we are not awful, but peaceful and truly democratic, to say so. We bring happiness, struggle for human rights. A freedom of choice, relations, conscience. And so on, and so forth.”

“So, you are a female? A representative, of so to say, fair sex?” Ivan was taken aback.

“Well, fair for someone, and nasty for another. It all depends here on the level of reason, as they say.”

“From what?” Ivan didn’t understand.

“Well… it’s such a thing – a level. And the reason – what’s the reason? Simply a profanation!” a giggling came out of the next tree. “Where were you going here, I wonder?”

“On affairs!” Ivan muttered. “I am not going to tell strangers everything, especially having not seen them eye to an eye. Maybe, they don’t even possess the eyes?”

“Maybe they don’t…” a reasonable notice doubled itself. “And, maybe, ones such as me don’t even require it.”

“Hey, you, eyeless monster! I am going fire at you an arrow from my bow, and where it will strike ye – either to an eye or some other body spot – is a minor matter!” barked Ivan and got behind bow and arrows.

“Well, you are not some sort of cupid to stick all passers-by with arrows of love, are you? And besides… what if it turns out that I am that wonderful frog-princess, whom you are required to kiss to further live on together with her in a happiness and consent till death itself won’t separate you? Wouldn’t you really want to try it out, m-m-m-m?” the voice of female stranger was getting more and more tender and viscous.

“All right,” Ivan finally agreed. “I will always have the time to make a frog for needles from you,” he summarized. “But you must be leaving your bushes hideout strictly one by one, and keep in mind – I am holding you on sight!”

“Oh, just look at what courageous and brave companion I have found! I am almost burning whole from desire!” stranger girl sang with pleasure and, finally, left her bush-like hiding place.

“A-a-a… o-o-o… u-u-u-u… e-r-r-r… you are such…” mumbled Ivan.

“Beautiful, huh? It has been so since my very birth.”

“That’s not the word…”

“And what sort of word would it be, m-m-m?” mysterious acquaintance continued smiling, gracefully pacing before Ivan.

“Mine – that’s the word!”

“Well… maybe yours as well. There is time for everything… By the way, my name is Thingy.”

“Thingy? What a beautiful name!” Ivan exclaimed. “Ivan!” he presented himself.

“And to you, Ivan!” Thingy smiled.

“What do you mean ‘and to you’?” he misunderstood.

“And to you, I am pretty as well, as I see.”

“Yes… you are all such… sparkling… such… unusual… thing… many, probably, don’t even possess such ones…”

“Yes, yes,” Thingy tenderly agreed. “I know. That’s me. And you were going to shoot me at first, my rascal!” she threatened calmly.

“Well, I had no idea that you were such… unusual. I have thought that you are probably some sort of marsh witch that will enchant me and then drag off into her den.”

“Well, what’s the point for me to enchant you? All in all, soon you will come running for me yourself… darling,” Thingy continued singing sweetly, beating about the bush round Ivan. “Where will you, people, go without us, Thingies, – what do you cost without us, oh consumers of ours?” she made a purring sound slightly more silently.

“And can I… touch you?” Ivan offered bashfully.

“Yes, you can, touch me if you dare…” Thingy allowed. “You can even take me on hands…”

“So soon?” Ivan was shocked. “And shouldn’t we before that…?”

“And what should we wait for?” Thingy questioned. “I do clearly see that you desire to have me… so take me, have no hesitation. The more you will desire me, the more a person from a small letter you will keep becoming…”

“Perhaps, a person from a capital letter?” Ivan was confused.

“Well, no way!” Thingy sniffed. “To be a one from a capital letter you have to deserve it first. We, Thingies, are not made to make you as such. We are for different sort of whims,” she added.

“And is that not… dangerous?” Ivan carefully asked, slightly touching Thingy’s body.

“Well… maybe you’ll get stricken with a lightning the first time,” Thingy smiled. “And afterward… however, what the reason for you, people, in that ‘afterward’? You have to enjoy life to the full, not even seriously reflecting on consequences, right? To gather in hands as many as possible ones such as me, Thingy. Especially if they are going to you on bails… And besides, to possess lots of beautiful Thingies today is a sort of a style and fashion!”

“Well… I don’t know… something here is… somehow…” Ivan breathed heavily and started to doubt, having drawn his hand away from Thingy.

“What, have you been struck with electricity?” Thingy purred. “After you get the first charge, it will be easier from that on. I am going to call my girlfriends afterward to make you a company. You will caress, care and cherish them more than humans for your entire life, and look, the life has already passed. I have thought up a fine plan, right?” said Thingy and nestled on Ivan with all her body.

“Well… I… this… that… you know…”

“Do you want me to call for my girlfriend?” said Thingy without unhooking her hands from Ivan’s neck.

“What sort of girlfriend? What for?”

“Oh, you will see that soon enough!” Thingy replied. “Come here, yo-ho-ho!” she started singing, and right there somewhere from bushes a second not less mysterious lass came out, being, probably, even more, dazzling and shining than Thingy herself.

“Hogwash!” the girlfriend of Thingy presented herself. “Girlfriend of Thingy.”

“What the reason do we need her?” Ivan frowned.

“Oh, darling, how don’t you understand?! Don’t you know that every modern glamour star-aspiring man must always have his personal hogwash, which would blind each and every one on all creative parties with her relaxedness and spontaneity!”

“And how’s that?” Ivan didn’t get it.

“Oh, like that!” said Hogwash and, having undressed herself in one instant, settled on the ground in painful expectation of unhealthy man’s attention. “Photograph me!” she ordered-asked.

“What sort of fine Hogwash you’ve got, Ivashka!” Thingy giggled. “A Hogwash above all the things. With such a one it’s not a shame to enter a high society!”

“How creative I have thought it up, yes?” Hogwash laughed, putting on her clothes after a short-term posing in public.

“Oh, you are such an ingenious one, my friend! You alone will suffice to enchant lots of Ivans!”

“Legion is their name!” Hogwash joyfully exclaimed.

“And not a consumer less,” Thingy winked. “Well, should we be going to people right now?”

“Let’s go!” Hogwash agreed. “But first let me kiss you fellow as well so that further on he can think of no one else, but us only. Ch-m-m-m-o-o-o-k-k!”

* * *

“Ch-p-o-k!” said an icicle that has fallen from a roof. “S-s-s-s-dzin!” she added, having scattered in one thousand small splinters. “Ch-m-m-m-o-o-k!” a second one echoed in response before accepting the same sad fate.

“Ivan, stop kissing a pillow already, rise up and help me!” a female voice ringed in apartment’s corridor.

“What a terrible thing I’ve dreamed of!” Ivan thought. “For how long have I slept?” and he decided to say this last thought of his aloud in a faint hope that somewhere there, in a corridor, somebody will finally give a response to his question of metaphysical importance.

“You have almost overslept our joint trip to a supermarket, dear husband!” a response came from over there. “And after all, we have agreed even yesterday that you are going to buy me a pair of dresses on my choice and a heap of other different baubles and thingies.”

“Is that some sort of morning thing?” Ivan was stunned. “What a nasty thing! It’s necessary to give up with this infinite shopping!” he resolutely came to a resolution.

“And where is that are you going?” a husband’s wife interrogatively stared on him, getting on a coat over a pajama.

“Into the bank!” Ivan reported. “Giving my credit card over bail. It’s that sort of their new service, ‘get out of consumer credit servitude’, you know. A thing of all the thingies!”