Performance

Greetings, well-respected soul-thinking readers and page-swingers. Recently a set of letters has been coming to the editorial office of our newspaper with a request of repeated publication of presented several months ago article that goes under the header “Performance”. Due to the importance of the mentioned subject and high level of urgency of this article to our society, we decided to comply with this kind request of our paper-consumers. We hope greatly that the feeling of kind irony won’t abandon our readers (as well as the persons, mentioned in the article) in the process of reading of this note, once again being published by us.

“Petersburg Movable Bridge” publishing house

One of these days in Moscow in the Cathedral of the Redeemer both surprising and tragic at the same time events took their place. A group of unknown males, dressed in caftans, padded jackets, felt boots and caps with ear-flaps, despite obvious discrepancy of similar regimentals to the current weather conditions, without any given permission or payment of tax for entrance to sacred orthodox temples, having pushed local old prior of the temple in a most shameless way, broke into the most sacred place of our not rubber capital – to temple’s altar.

As it should be well-known to our respected readers, this altar was officially declared as sacred literally a few days ago before the events in place when the Holy Patriarch of All Russia performed in the presence of the president of our country before it the anthem “God bless the Tzar!”. After which specified group of unstated persons without any proper constraint and with a great enthusiasm sang a song “Oh, frost, my frost!”. Let’s note that according to the data of meteorologists, air temperature outside of the building was about thirty degrees above zero at the moment of their performance.

At present time identikits of the criminals are being prepared and designed by law-burying enforcement bodies, however, all such actions are at a loss due to a great resemblance between produced images and ugly faces of average tipsy Russian men exactly on New Year’ Eve. However, if only it all was limited to a singing of similar obscene songs, for truly believing citizens of our country it would be still half-troubles. The real trouble is that criminals not only sang unstated by the law frankly blasphemous song, they also dared to laugh in the most impudent, shameless and frankly freeway!

As it should be well-known to our dear readers, in connection with the official resolution of the Patriarch it was strictly forbidden to either smile or to laugh for all truly – and more importantly for devoutly – believing orthodox Christians, and upon entering the temple they should, we quote, “to have a face mournful and oppressed, head down lowered, eyes inexpressive, lips with teeth snacked and money in pockets lots of”, and violation of this behavior was officially equated to blasphemy which, in connection with recently introduced in the Criminal Code amendments, was equated to especially serious crimes against consciencemenfaithhonor (in one word from a small letter) and Sacred Orthodox Church (in several words from a capital letter).

The scandal which has burst in connection with incident continues to grow. Practicing psychiatrists, self-educated linguists and political scientists have already started speaking about the process of serious dividing of society on a taste and color basis.

A number of cultural figures already expressed their support to newbie singers in their collective letter, having thus received a brand of figures-of-the-lack-of-culture from a number of political parties of nationalist nature. “We are driven only by compassion and love to representatives of our people, and thus we freely accept their right to put on padded jackets and felt boots, as well as to sing the unpopular song. Jesus told us of love and amnesty – including to those who dress not like we do, sings different songs and feels the world another way. People without love are no more than bags with bones,” like that commented on the situation one of the unnamed signers of the letter. The signer, however, didn’t specify, whether all signers are being driven by similar motives or the most honest of their kind.

However, there is not a single sign of complete unanimity concerning the event among representatives of culture and art. So, a number of singers already managed to condemn anonymous choristers and spat tastefully in their direction.

“I am no Christ and will not forgive all and everything!!! They must all have gone nuts!!! A shame if they would sing my song, ignoramuses. Put them all on a stake and burn!!!” like that raged the queen of Russian chanson in her personal blog.

The prima donna of the Russian platform was more careful in her expression: “Dull yokels simply decided to promote themselves! They are probably thinking of taking over my place. No way! I have kicked with feet down from my platform even better ones. And to smile and laugh is a top of cynicism during our hard times. A fiddle while Rome burns. They better dig a ditch in front of our castle instead of doing nonsense. All of them are simply lousy clownery!”

Her old acquaintance expressed himself slightly more categorically: “I dunno want to be interrogated about these devilish bitches! I am irritated by their pink jackets, their boobs, and your microphone!”. On a fair remark that performers of a song were males, the singer confusedly replied that he was probably confused by some demon, and hastened to retire from under the gazes of television cameras.

“I have been always telling you that Russian is a genetic rabble and cattle! They dream only of getting drunk and sing something pathos. Stupid ones, to be short, – not the way I am! No way for mink revolutions together with such morons!” well-known TV soul-killer expressed herself exactly that way.

Don’t lag behind the Russian colleagues are foreign singers, whom, most likely, similar “performance” cut to the quick. So, Madonna of the American platform was persistently interested, whether are those singers accused of all mortal sins are representatives of LGBT community, and was extremely disappointed by the answer that they are normal Russian men, and “not like the ones in these solar Californias of yours,” and short time after together with the mayor of Berlin she made the official statement, that, we quote, “unfortunately, Russian social public haven’t yet grown to high standards of the western democracy and doesn’t possess required level of tolerance.”

Truly believing Christians, marking their presence here and there in comments to articles, concerning anonymous group, also continuing throwing chestnuts in a fire.

“I, as the Russian Orthodox Christian, consider that these obscurantists should be cut by whips with iron thorns on the central square. And it must be done in the face of their children so that they learn to live correctly! After all, truly believing Christians will fairly hammer them to the death at a first opportunity nevertheless! And that’s right! Let everyone know the power of true belief! For the Patriarch and Russian Orthodox Church!” writes one of them.

Representatives of political parties keep adding fuel to the fire as well.

So, with a rigid criticism of anonymous group acted representatives of nationalist parties “New Great Stalin” and “Stalin is everything ours”. “This is a spit in the soul, in the belief of our people. It’s a blasting of foundations of our statehood. These are intrigues of our Anglo-Saxon foes. Their future fate must be decided by our most fair and humane court, and no cultural figures have the right to interfere with that process,” so the leader of the first party commented on the situation. “They all should get a second Stalin!” declared the leader of the second one.

The leader of Communist party declared literally the following: “We understand the degree of gravity of the question, brought to us in the song, for exactly in winter time the well-known February revolution was carried out, and exactly April theses were created by our eternally live leader. But at the same time, we consider such behavior of these men inadmissible for the party due to ethical reasons. Look at our leader – there is no smile on his face. He sleeps peacefully, awaiting the coming of great future events, disturbs nobody and isn’t being an eyesore for people at all, and at the same time quietly and silently welcomes and accepts everyone coming to him. We consider the similar behavior of our leader to be a fine example for both our party and all our supporters as well.”

The well-known leader of other party expressed on considerably more increased in decibels tones: “Swine! Bastards! Nits! Let’s they eat shit! Bears in our circuses behave better than they do! A shame for the whole world! Unfinished morons! I would tear them out, like my donkey! Bastards!”

Representatives of the party “Wrong deed” declared that at the present moment similar questions interest them “not so much”, as they still can’t decide a question of who will be their new leader after they expelled the old (young) oligarch in all four directions during last inner-party intrigues.

Representatives of the ruling party refused to comment on the situation.

The search for malefactors is still going on.

Society is divided. Politicians battle with each other. Militant Christians demand bread and shows. Network hamsters keep buying popcorn. Cultural figures shamelessly find fault with all and everything, fighting for a proper place under a golden calf. As they say, everything is quite in the Moscow-city…