Practical prescriptions for political processes
You’ve become a politician. No more and no less, but the temporary ruler of an entire state. Please accept our sincerely hypocritical congratulations. From now on, you are one of the powerful of this world.
But in this cramped jar full of spiders, you are far from being the only one. Therefore, in order not to trade yourself and not be sold during your ascent from a mere mortal to a political one, you should not forget about some unspoken rules. Follow them thoroughly, and perhaps you will live much longer in the political landscape than many of your predecessors who naively neglected them.
Rule 1. Promise and don’t keep your promises.
No one can force you to do something that you not only don’t really want to do, but didn’t even plan on doing! Yet a promise is always welcome. Simple as that. Therefore, keep promising seriously, often and a lot, especially during your election speeches.
Remember: if your political opponent promises more than you do, they will inevitably gain an abnormal competitive edge. Therefore, normalize the situation by promising at least as much. After a couple of months (or even years), people will have completely forgotten the details of what you once promised them, and you can promise the same thing again, carefully postponing the fulfillment of your promises to future centuries.
We call this phenomenal aspect as the effect of political amnesia. Use it well!
Rule 2. Be a hypocrite without losing your face.
It’s completely normal to say one thing today and something completely different tomorrow, but it’s abnormal to remain silent. A politician must be able to speak, even if with himself! And masking your true goals and desires is the foundation of your political career.
Practice in front of the mirror at home. Make different facial expressions. Start expressing fake emotions. Show hypocritical respect to the person looking at you in the mirror by virtually shaking his hand.
You’re in a one-man theater named after yourself. After all, if you couldn’t be a hypocrite, you’d never become a politician, right? So don’t be afraid to perfect and hone this innate skill!
Rule 3: Never trust, but verify.
There is no place for trust in the world of power, and faith is not about religion at all. Backstabbing and betraying are your new normality. Don’t trust the words and empty promises of others — let your voters do it for you. Be wiser, be smarter.
Check and double-check. Study portfolios and dossiers. Look for loopholes. Put others on surveillance. Test them with a lie detector, for goodness’ sake! As they say, it’s better to over-check seven times than to be deceived once.
Rule 4. Betray when it’s safe.
If you can betray someone without getting stabbed in the back and earn some valuable benefits, then what are you waiting for? This is an essential skill that has been known and practiced since ancient times, long before our own. Today, your political friends may be looking at you with obsequious eyes, but what will happen tomorrow when their positions become stronger? Or do you really believe that Brutus was the only one of his kind?
Our entire political life on earth is, in a way, a history of endless betrayals by one politician to another, and by politicians to their own people. So don’t be original about it. If it’s not you, it’s someone else. So do it before the others.
Rule 5: Cover your back.
At least with your clothes. There’s nothing more insidious than an enemy coming from the rear and infiltrating your sanctum sanctorum! Remember that you won’t be the only one using rule (4). The world of politics is a perfect example of shithole, and you’ll have to fight tooth and nail to secure your place in this cozy swamp. Therefore, never forget about rule (3) to avoid prematurely “squawking,” and remember this rule to ensure that you don’t get “squawked” yourself. Be prepared for the fact that any of your current allies may become your potential adversaries in the near future. The ultimate skill of living in a political shithole lies in using rule (4) when your enemy is just starting to assess the attractiveness of your ass from all possible angles. As the ancients said, "Take care of your back and honor from a young age."
Rule 6: Don’t repent or grovel.
Repentance is the way of the weak. Repentance is the path of the sinner. Atonement is the road of the martyr. You are not one of those. A politician who publicly admits his mistakes makes a fool of himself. He makes himself a laughing stock for the sharp tongues of the enemy mass-media. He downgrades his political rating. He sinks to the bottom of the political barrel. Call it whatever you like, but don’t give your enemies such an ideal opportunity!
If you make a mistake, don’t hesitate to discard it or shift the blame onto others (Rule 9). If you cause a disaster, don’t dwell on its consequences or convince your citizens that it was God’s willing (Rule 10). If you lead your nation to demise, pretend to be a messiah. Remember, apologizing is not a king’s duty. The king’s duty is to reign.
Rule 7. Mass-media go-ahead.
Mass-media! — and that’s an order. Whoever controls the information controls the world. They are your best scribblers, capable of creating any image you desire and any image your opponents don’t. They are the main whitewashers and embellishers. They are the masters of slander and free interpretation of facts. They are the creators of a parallel information reality in the minds of gullible citizens. They are the news vultures and information scorpions. They are the lovers of public relations. Therefore, do not neglect their services.
Central television, along with the loyal political analysts who appear on it day and night, is the foundation of information work with the population. Propaganda cannot spread naturally in the human environment; it requires media support. Therefore, central television must work tirelessly to benefit you and the correct worldview of your fellow citizens.
But you shouldn’t neglect the local media as well. If you don’t buy them out, someone else will. And whoever pays for the girl gets viral with her. Freedom of speech is only good as long as it benefits you. Otherwise, no more words.
Rule 8: Don’t argue, spit out.
In granite, in marble, in man-made monuments — in anything! Your word is eternal! Don’t engage in debates more than necessary with your political opponents. You don’t argue with fools. Pretend that you’re above it. It’s also a great way to avoid questions that are too uncomfortable for your liking. Avoid consorting with the people after your election.
Remember: you are above this, you are beyond this. Every word you say is worth its weight in gold. Every aphorism you write is the wisdom of centuries. Be proud and admire yourself! The country may not be you, but what would it do without your full participation? No one has the right to make you doubt your own decisions. Spit out often and with purpose, carefully regulating the flow of your creative words.
Rule 9: Blame others.
Slaves are voiceless, and you are not a slave. Therefore, you should not carry the burden of your own mistakes on your own back. Instead, find a suitable “carrier” to voluntarily or involuntarily transfer this heavy burden. Your political opponents are ideal candidates for this role. If you make a mistake, immediately shift the blame onto them, rather than delaying the resolution of your problems.
The most effective way is to use the media that is under your control. As the saying goes, one political mouth is good, but a thousand press officers are better. A competent political analyst and press secretary can always provide the right motivation and explanation for almost any of your actions. This way, you can kill two birds with one stone: you can both whitewash yourself and vilify your enemies. Your political peers will appreciate this. If necessary, you can always blame the geography, the weather, or even the retrograde phase of Mercury. As long as the people are fed, they will continue to abide by your rules.
Rule 10. Be religious.
Every self-respecting politician should have his own pocket religion. Religions have already proven themselves to be an excellent tool for controlling the masses, which is exactly what you came to politics for, right?
So, try to create your own little religion, a cult of personality. The media you control and well-paid political analysts of all kinds will be more than useful for this purpose. If all else fails, you can always rely on corrupt writers and actors. Perhaps one day you will be able to gather entire coliseums or stadiums of your faithful supporters! And you already know well enough what to do with them. It’s a great feeling to be a messiah, isn’t it?
In the worst-case scenario, instead of creating your own religion, you can always use a ready-made one that has already been promoted by the inconsistent followers of God’s prophets. It doesn’t matter that these existing religions are formally associated with a God, as long as you provide their religious servants with numerous earthly benefits, right? Therefore, they will not only refrain from biting but will gladly kiss and lick the hand that feeds them. With this hand, you can guide them in the direction of divine justification for your earthly authority. As the saying goes, “God moves in mysterious ways."
Rule 11: Conspire and bide your time.
Wait for convenient moments. Life-changing events. The deaths of your enemies. Sudden geopolitical opportunities. The corpses of your political opponents floating down the river of time. Natural disasters and man-made catastrophes, for goodness’ sake!
Everything has its time, place, and circumstances, and like a coiled snake, you must be able to wait for the right moment. Therefore, plan and strategize before the moment arrives, so that when it finally comes, you can act swiftly. A chance is only available once, so be as cunning as a fox and as swift as a snake.
Rule 12: Atomize and disunite.
Divide and conquer. Create new Babylonians in place of culturally monolithic communities. Flood the country with foreigners, reducing and decreasing the share of the unloyal indigenous population. Create conditions for the voluntary self-isolation of citizens. Impose liberal ideas about the value and self-sufficiency of the individual, thereby increasing human egoism and their desire for solitude. Declare any popular social movements and initiatives that are a response to the process of society’s atomization to be extremist and eliminate them thereafter. Divide people based on their religions, social classes, and cultural differences. Divided people are always weak and unable to resist the imposed world order and control.
Rule 13: Scare and grant salvation.
From threats created by you. Whether it’s a global pandemic of universal stupidity, a terrorist attack organized and controlled by intelligence agencies, hacker attacks on civilian infrastructure, a local military conflict, and so on, all of these should work to spread fear and increase the sense of insecurity among the masses. It’s infinitely easier to control frightened sheep than self-aware and courageous individuals.
If you can’t atomize society, you can always scare it and then act as a savior. Give them this salvation in exchange for the freedoms they once had and no longer need. Only by voluntarily giving up their freedoms in exchange for the illusion of security can they be shackled.
And, rest assured, don’t forget that you should only create threats that you can control and that you can easily eliminate if need arises. The key is to ensure that an out-of-control artificial threat doesn’t naturally eliminate you.
Rule 14: Imprison and release.
And you will know the gratitude of a criminal who has been released under another amnesty, especially if the person who was accidentally imprisoned is your former colleague. Therefore, it is important to practice amnesties frequently and actively, as this will not only help to reduce the number of prisoners and free up space for your political opponents, but also increase your own electoral base. Additionally, you can use the media to portray this as a sign of your generosity and nobility.
Heck, why not? Of course, the law enforcement and judicial authorities won’t thank you for this, but who cares about their opinions?
Rule 15: Make them dependent.
We all depend on each other to some unquantifiable degree. You depend on your electorate, and they depend on your actions. Even your political opponents depend on the consequences of your decisions. It’s completely normal to depend on others. It’s abnormal to depend on those you don’t need.
Therefore, throw off this yoke of dependence at the first opportunity. Eliminate your benefactors. Deprive the electorate that is not loyal to you of its right to vote. Do not allow your rivals to access the power trough. Never allow the spread of local media that is “independent” of foreign funding.
And make your allies and subordinates dependent on you. There is nothing stronger than a political friendship that is cemented by your common past sins, or by the compromising evidence you have on your newfound “friend”. By mastering the art of pulling the right strings, you can become a master puppeteer in this global political theater of absurdity.
Rule 16. Be artful.
Use art as a tool to promote the ideas and agendas you want, as well as your own cultural and historical greatness.
Corrupt actors will gladly perform in your political support for a modest fee. Show business representatives will sell the public an attractive image of the brave new world you will lead them into. Historians will rewrite and launder your biography, removing all the unsavory stains. Sculptors will clone your statues and fill the cities with them. Artists will capture your majestic face for future generations. Musicians will compose ballads about your political battles. Poets will write odes to your long-lost honor.
Do not neglect art, the purifier of human souls. Use it to purify human minds from thoughts of your imperfection.
Rule 17: Be a lion among lambs.
These ones cannot be scolded. You have to be an example to follow. A political authority in the law. The strongest boxer in the political ring. The biggest spider in the jar. Otherwise, they’ll devour you and not choke on it. Or they’ll choke on it, but still devour you. And politicians love and practice devouring each other!
Therefore, there should be no deviations from the rule. Create an image of a savior of the fatherland through the media you control. The bodies of the ministers under your command should stand at attention when you merely look in their direction. And you should have learned to look in their direction on purpose, to bang your fist on the table, and to angrily throw your pen yesterday. Power gives you strength, and only the strong can maintain power!
Rule 18: Appeal to patriotism.
Patriotism is both your shield and your sword of punishment! Under the guise of patriotism, you can do whatever you want, within the constraints and challenges of the times, of course.
To drown the external or internal enemy in their own pool of blood. To denounce anyone who crosses your political red lines. To establish total surveillance on “unreliable” citizens. To send the slandered to labor camps. To seek and destroy the ubiquitous “enemies of the state” day after day. To replace natural intelligence with artificial one. To pit “doubters” against “patriots”. To create a cult of personality.
Remember and convince them that patriotism is not about loving your homeland, but about hating its many enemies instead.
Rule 19: Don’t leave without a successor.
Not everyone can look to the future, and it’s only a matter of time before you leave the political arena. The later, the better, of course, but who knows how things will turn out? You remember the famous rule (4), right? Even politicians are mortal, alas!
Therefore, leave in due time, that is, when all your numerous enemies have not yet stabbed you in the back, and when your cunning mind is still serving you faithfully. There is no sadder sight in the world than an old political senile man on the throne. Such a man can easily send not only his own country, but also his loved ones, straight to hell, figuratively speaking. Therefore, be aware of your physical and age-related limitations, so that you do not prematurely “kick the bucket” on the throne.
And make sure you find a successor who will cover your sins, your back, and your ass when you have to leave, and who won’t say a word against you later, let alone engage in political persecution. After all, what is a politician without power? Anyone can offend such ones.
Rule 20: Write letters and memoirs.
At the end of your, as we insincere hope, triumphant life journey, you will surely have a guilty conscience. Don’t argue with us; we know what we’re talking about. Every living person who commits evil deeds has a guilty conscience. Therefore, at the end of your political career, you will need to “relieve yourself”. You will need to talk. You will need to reminisce. You will need to share with ordinary people the reasons behind your decisions. You will need to reflect on the consequences of both your choices and the choices you did not make. You will need to embellish your actions. You will need to express your remorse in a subtle way.
So don’t hesitate to write your memoirs! Now that you’re one foot in the grave and almost ready to face the eternal judgment of the Maker, you can finally do so. In your endless struggle against your own kind, you never had a moment to contemplate the eternal. But now, the eternal is almost ready to embrace you. The question is, will you earn its favor?
It’s hard to say. If you follow our rules, then definitely not. But if you follow your heart and soul instead, then what kind of politician are you, after all?